have to write and i’m not resolute enough to make time at home so i snatch this from the jowls of a normal workday... because somehow its easier here in office, where my free time is not censured or encroached upon.
tracy amma had to be admitted to hospital today. its not serious. she has a fever. but she wanted an injection and was feeling weak, so ma got her put on a drip. she looks like a wizened prune but her face breaks into a crinkled smile every time i talk to her. i suspect it’s not so much illness as a desperate attempt to elicit some sort of response from her own family who have not bothered to look her up. She was near tears, almost...
the sort of feeling when the back of your throat catches and you feel like you’re choking and don’t know how to make it stop.
i’ve had that feeling often these days.
my thoughts are no longer mine. my sentiments are no longer protected from hurt. they sear and bully me into a painful mess of static, from where it just takes one phone call to restore sanity.
have i really thrown myself into the circus?
I was always so guarded and serene. Smug in the belief that it could’nt happen to me.
Then ‘the wheel of heaven turned’...
Like a waterwheel, it poured water over my smugness. I believe now that the inevitable does happen. no matter how unmundane and special you think you are, the mundane and the especial catch up with you.
i feel stifled, like i want to stave off all commitment till i’m someone else, or till i find someone else to live my life (while i resume wandering along the scented paths of childhood and grab with both hands the right to be sovereign of me).
If i think too much my head threatens to burst; then i thank providence for multitasking. people may not realise it but multitasking keeps the majority of us sane.