There was no arsenic speciatist waiting at the McLeud house, just an old short sighted lady with thickset arms and a European accent.
teda- this is the homeless waif.
m- hello aunty
mrs mcleud- how do you do dear?
m-(watery smile)
mm- come in, come in. i just told candy to wash the place out with phynyl, so don’t mind the smell will you?
teda- (makes grimaces behind the ol lady’s back)
m- no, no.
mm- so you are related to munna?
teda- they used to go to the same school, st joseph’s.
mm- but munna studied in sacred hearts?
m- i studied there too.
teda- thats what i meant.
(silence)
mm-would you like some tea?
teda- i never drink anything without getting inebriated.
m-i don’t drink tea.
(pained silence)
mm-(in a slightely strained voice) this is the room. there’s a cupboard with a key and an attached bathroom.
m-(eyebrows shoot up)
teda- shecomeshomelate and eatsalot.
mm- (glances at me uncertainly)
m- only when i’m on night shift and we get free food at the canteen.
mm- i see. well, i’m up till 11:30 every day. that won’t be a problem.
teda- she also ocassionally flushes her mobile down the toilet and (in an exagerated whisper) and is a documented KKK member.
m- only if i don’t sleep well at night.
mm- (in an unnecessarily hearty tone) lets not make a decision too quickly. why don’t we all give this some thought.
teda- ok, lets go. come on, you.
m- nice meeting you.
(later in the car)
m- i don’t think this will work out, arsenic specialist or just plain credulous .
teda- we’ll tell her she can pay us the money and stay in the room. we don’t mind.

enroute to potential new landladies house...
teda- you have to be careful. old lady gog is not your average senior citizen. have you seen the tacky old bat from 101 dalmatians?
m- do you mean cruella?
teda- thats the one. she looks like her.
m- no!!!
teda- sure thing. she even has a neat wig that she keeps for special ocassions.
also rumour has it old man gog didn’t die a natural death.
m-what do you mean?
teda- she did him in, of course.
m-no!
teda- sure thing. you have to be very careful around the house. don’t make any loud sounds or threaten her in any way, or else she’ll be at you with a cleaver.
m- can i go home. i’ve changed my mind. i’d like to stay with you guys after all.
teda- there’s no comebacks, get it. no comebacks. your going there to stay, mind you.
m- !!!
teda- i’m not saying the situation is pointless. theres a way out.
m- how?
teda- tell her you want to learn the piano. then rig a key to a socket. when she sits down to teach you, say, “no no auntie, that key...that key.” then stand back and watch her fry.
m- i think i want to get out of the car now. i’ll take my chances with the ol lady.